I love you

a memoir to myself

I scoffed when they told me that it took time. After some time, i realized that they were right. All good things do take time, but a person in pain does not find the rhyme in the reason until much later.

I am not done with my healing, and I have a way to go before i have reached any sort of contentment within my healing process. Maybe i will never be satisfied. now i sit here thinking about when i could be satisfied with my healing, and i think i should give myself some more credit. This path was not easy, and it has yet to prove any sort of simplicity will come. But now my life feels peaceful, almost. I have my stressers, i have the terrors that keep me awake, but when i look into the mirror i see someone worth fighting for. Now i look at all the damaged parts of myself and i see they shine like gold.

Last month i fought to stay alive. I had so much on my plate. The speed in which i was digesting could not keep up with how much i was putting into my mouth. I was choking before i could even process swallowing. I am learning to separate the things on my plate, and to go through each food group slowly, carefully, thoughtfully. I do not have everything figured out, but i believe that it is a start.

Here are some goals I have set for myself (although i am not off to a great start, as i am writing this at 1am)

1. Go to sleep sooner, wake earlier

2. make a thoughtful breakfast, not too much, you find it hard to eat in the morning.

3. drink more water.

4. Study more, you know it fills you with purpose.

5. don’t worry about work so much, you wont be a waitress forever.

6. look deeper into your passions. you know you have them, discover them again.

7. get a cat? maybe? youre still thinking about this one, but its a thought that makes you happy. think on it some more.

8. focus on your night and morning routines. wash your face, drink your water.

9. tell people you love them.

10. write more. draw more. you express yourself this way, these are your roots. water them.

11. prioritize your new internship, make connections!

12. think more about your future career goals. you want to help people, build off of that.

13. remember to speak your mind, mean what you say. those who understand you will stay, those who do not will leave, and that is okay.

14. call your mom.

15. Save your money, but also spend your money on things that make you happy. I know you want that rug, get it! get more plants, too.

16. QUIT VAPING! You were your best version when you stopped.

17. finally, think about who you want to be next year. Who does she look like? what has she conquered? what goals as she achieved? Who is she surrounded by? Where is she? who is she?

It’s okay to be scared of change, it is okay to be scared to put yourself out there, it is okay to be scared. what isnt okay is letting these fears get in the way of becoming the best version of yourself. do not forget your goals, do not forget who you are, what you love, who you love, and who loves you. you are worth the sweat and tears you put into yourself, because you will always always have yourself. do not give up on the one person who has always showed up for you, even when they didnt want to. remember that night alone when you had no one to call, remember who got you to sleep, who woke you up, who fed you, who got you through it. remember who kept you alive.

They were you.

I love you.