Halfway Through 20

and I am nowhere near knowing anything at all.

Actually, I am a little past halfway through twenty. I am four months away from 21, and I could’ve sworn yesterday I was 19. 18 feels years ago, and 15 feels decades ago. Am I ready? I don’t think I ever will be. Or maybe I’ll be prepared to be 21 when I’m turning 22, and ready to be 22 when I’m turning 23. I can’t even imagine myself at 23, let alone 32. Truth is, I am scared.

I have a horrible habit of foresight, and I like to be prepared for my future. I’m always looking 10 years in advance. My mother always told me “To look out for future Kya”, and I have internalized it. But a part of me wants to linger back and just enjoy the now; but truth be told, a part of me has never been relaxed. ever.

When I was younger, I would look at 20-year-olds and think they had everything figured out. They were in college, had so many friends, boyfriends, and jobs. They were adults in my youthful eyes. Now I am here, and I am nowhere knowing anything at all! Like I thought I would! I am exhausted. I will say that I do know I am doing everything right anyway, despite knowing absolutely nothing. I know that I am not supposed to know everything and that it is okay to fuck up. I have to brush myself off and try again. I know I am not supposed to know where I am going. I know I will know I am going in the right direction because it will simply just FEEL right. These knowings do nothing to ease the unknowings. I wonder where my choices will lead me. Not only to places but to people. I fear so much, but I yearn twice as much… It just isn’t enough yearning to shadow my fear.

There are so many questions I do not have the answer to in my life, and it kills me on the inside. Who am I? Who will I be? The cliche questions, of course. I am always asking myself about what I want to do with the little time I have alive. That is partially a lie. In my soul, I know what I want. I know what I need. I want to see the world. I want to experience everything this life has to offer. Meet so many new people and try all the food. I want to leap off cliffs in clear blue mountain waters and climb so high that I can see for miles. Now as I am facing this truth, I ask myself a new question. What am I so scared of that is preventing me from taking this leap?

I think maybe it is many different factors. Career, family, friends, love, fear. Fear especially. Oh! and money, of course. But money isn’t much of a daunting factor, because I can make money… I am scared of everything that is to come, it is all unknown to me. I have such a love-hate relationship with surprises; I love surprise parties and gifts, but when it comes to the gift of the future I tremble and hide. I know I am not the only one, and that knowing makes me feel a little less alone. But I wish I had a hint on which choices I am supposed to make so I lead the life my heart yearns for. It is… stressful. I want to see the world, but I also want to have a fulfilling career (which is another stress all on its own), to settle down with the love of my life, have kids, animals, and a farm. As I am writing this, I think if I was ever given a wish I would wish to live as many lives as I want, and to be able to remember all of them. To travel, to have a fulfilling career; to be an author, a pilot, an actor, or a business owner. I want a family, a husband, a farm and a farmhouse, a New York City flat, a coffee shop, a bookstore, and a plant nursery. Or all three of those combined. What I fight with the most of all is the traveling and the love of my life part, because I met him already… and I haven’t seen the world yet. I want nothing more for him to come with me, but he’s on a different path and sees different things for himself. I shouldn’t assume what he wants, because I know he wants to travel too, but I wonder if his yearning is as emotional and strong as mine. I am tearing up a little bit as I write this. I feel so deeply about travel that I guess I should consider it a passion.

A few other things stress me out, but one other is my inability to make new friends. Another thing I know I am not alone on. Sometimes I wonder if the problem is me like there is something about the kind of person I am that scares off everyone. But then I think of the friends I still have, and there are things about me that they love, so I know I am not completely platonically unlovable. When I think of my friends, I can only think of one I know who will always have my back, no matter what, but she is so far away. It hurts knowing that I do not have any friends who know my secrets or would drive to me in the dead of night like I have done for them.

How do you make and keep true friends in this day and age? Emphasis on the keeping part. The making friends comes easy to me, I think. I can be a very outgoing person; talking and connecting with strangers *sometimes* comes easily. I am not always an outgoing person, and my personality often fluctuates quickly. I am not quick to trust, I can be shy, I can talk too much, or none at all. I yearn for the type of female platonic love where we are with each other 24/7 and tell each other everything. It is simple, kind, and soft. We try all the newest art trends and scream our favorite indie and EDM songs. She is like me and doesn’t care much for clothing trends and has her own flow and style. In the meantime, I think I will become the girl I want to be best friends with and see if I can manifest her. I yearn for this type of womanly connection more than a guy. The womanly love you see in Anne with an E on Netflix. God, I crave it more than I have ever craved anything.

I think a lot about one of the only true womanly friendships I have ever had. I miss her, and I know we are two different people now that I do not think friendship for us *now* or ever will be in our books. I wish it was, I love who she is as a person. She is gentle, kind, and considerate. She is smart, witty especially. I do not know who she is now, but that is who I knew her to be. We stopped being friends when she went back to school and she made a bunch of new friends, and I don’t want to say she forgot about me, but that is what it felt like at the time. I am not sure now; I hardly know her. We’ve been on and off since then. She got a new boyfriend, and new friends, and so did I. We live a street away from each other, and she has never felt so far away.

I think this experience with her has made it hard for me to keep friends. I wonder if a part of me thinks they will leave me and forget about me as she has, so I do not offer much to them out of that possibility they will leave me. On the other hand, I also offer way too much out of that same fear. It is like begging for them not to leave me, like “Look at how much I have to give, I have so much love and loyalty. Please stay".” It is pathetic, honestly. I am constantly trying to uncover all the dusted parts of myself to figure out why I am the way that I am, so I can move through this life as the best version of myself.

I am scared of everything I do not know. I am scared that I will never meet my platonic womanly soulmate, or that I will never travel and see the world. I am scared that I will never have a fulfilling career and settle down with the love of my life while also doing everything else. I pray, God do I pray, that the man that I spend the rest of my life with will travel the world with me. I hope he is ready to see the world when I am ready to see the world.

Of course, I stress about all the adult things and blah blah blah taxes and credit scores, politics, money, stuff. But I will worry about that stuff at 21.